Considering Divorce? Do These Things First
Talk to your spouse!
The disconnect that sometimes happens in a marriage often stems from a lack of communication. Good, open, honest communication often can resolve many issues that went unacknowledged/untreated
Does your spouse know you’ve been thinking about divorce?
Does he/she know how you feel?
Have you been up front about what issues are happening?
What are your spouse’s feelings on the subject?
What is he/she thinking/feeling?
Try Couples Therapy
Therapy isn’t always going to help - BOTH partners HAVE to have an open mind and be willing to work through their problems. If it’s one-sided or one spouse isn’t all in, therapy will do NO good. But in many cases, it can actually be very eye opening for both of you- it can help you see where your marriage needs improvement, and give you both the tools and resources to do the work. And sometimes, therapy actually can save a marriage!
Being in a safe space where you each can openly discuss what’s on your mind, in front of and to a professional who will ask the appropriate questions and prompts, is often much easier than trying to have a conversation with an unwilling partner who can easily walk away if the conversation gets tense.
It may help you find resolve; it may bring you closer together, and it may do nothing. But you won’t know unless you try.
Figure out your finances
The financial aspect of divorce is often the trickiest, the messiest, and the biggest source on contempt between two partners. But it’s imperative that you both know where you stand financially, before pulling the trigger.
Are you able to be on your own?
What kind of support will you need?
Will you need to get a job…or a second job?
I will never advocate for someone staying in an unhappy marriage simply because of financial dependence, but it’s better to figure this all out ahead of time, so you know what you’re going into.
Consider your children and their well-being
Just like I’ll never advocate for staying in a marriage for financial reasons, I also never advocate staying in one for the sake of the kids. This happens far too often and often does more harm than good. If your marriage is unhappy, unsafe, toxic, etc., staying together to keep the children happy is the wrong thing to do.
Kids are resilient.
Kids adapt well.
Kids learn adversity and how to handle it (a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives).
Know this – your kids WILL be ok no matter what you both decide. It’s how you handle the situation that will determine their well-being. Conflict parenting is what has detrimental effects on children – not the divorce itself. Good co-parenting will help to ensure that the kids have structure, rules, discipline and are not caught in the middle of two parents who cannot come together for their sake.
But you need to consider things like…how will you handle shared parenting? Where will the two of you live post-separation? Will the kids change schools? Are you going to be ok with not having your kids all the time? (This one is hard getting used to)
Talk to people – lots of people
Not that any of this is anyone’s business, but the more you keep bottled up, the harder this process becomes. The more support you have and the more perspectives you gain, the better prepared you are at either moving forward with a divorce or working on fixing your marriage. I always say, however, to keep family involvement to a minimum.
Everyone has a different relationship with their family but often they can become resentful, too opinionated, biased, and intrusive. Choose to discuss your personal life only with family closest to you, that you trust, that will offer their unbiased support and that will refrain from gossiping to the rest of the family.
Talk to your friends...your close, true friends. They are usually your biggest support group.
Talk to a priest, rabbi, pastor, or whatever religious/spiritual leader that’s part of your life, that might offer some perspective pertaining to your beliefs/views.
Pray
Or seek spiritual guidance, answers and wisdom. Whether it’s to God, a god, the universe or your spirit within, seek guidance.
Trust Your Intuition
There isn’t always an “a-ha” moment where you just know that you are making the right decision. But if you let your gut, your intuition, your senses and your soul guide you, you will undoubtedly find the answers your are looking for.
Always remember this – Nothing happens by accident. Everything and every moment of our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be and what is supposed to happen. Trust that. Always.