Rules for Dating After Divorce

The ending of a marriage can make you re-evaluate everything you once knew about yourself and love.

Although dating after divorce is absolutely normal and acceptable (and often necessary), getting back in the saddle can be extremely difficult, especially if you’ve been married for a decade or longer. Remember, it’s OK if you don’t know how to date after divorce; it’s a learning process. Give yourself time, give yourself space and, above all else, go EASY on yourself as you start to get back out there.

For all things Dating After Divorce, be sure to check out my eBook

Make sure you’re actually ready

I use the term “ready” loosely because is anyone every really “ready” for anything?  Sometimes the first step is the hardest one.  That first step is so full of emotions.  Fear.  Guilt.  Anxiety.  Excitement.  Opportunity.  Worry.  But you never know who you might connect with if you never try.  

But sometimes after a divorce, especially early on, most people simply aren’t ready yet.  If you still look at every person and see your ex, you aren’t ready.  If you still cry at the drop of a hat thinking about your ex and your marriage, you aren’t ready. 

Coming to terms with and accepting this new reality is hard. But until you do, it’s not time to create your Tinder profile.  Face your demons first.  Grieve your marriage.  Be alone.  Learn about yourself.  Be single.  Focus on you and your children.  It’s ok to be alone.  Not everyone that’s alone is, in fact, lonely.  Until you’re really ready to give dating a chance, simply be alone.  It can be a wonderful, enlightening time. 

Keep an open mind

Dating post-divorce, often with kids involved, is a whole new ball game.  It’s nothing like the dating scene from back in your twenties when you had no kids and barely any responsibilities.  It’s hard.  Real hard.  And everyone you meet has baggage...including you.  Don’t set expectations, because you actually have no idea what to expect.  Just keep an open mind.  And try to enjoy the ride.

Don’t compare everyone to your ex

Your ex was your ex.  The new person is not your ex.  After being married to someone for years, it’ll be hard not to compare everyone to them, especially when you first start dating again.  But you have to try not to.  And try to remember that there were things about your ex that you didn’t like and there will always be things about someone that you might not like.  But everyone has good and bad traits. You just have to decide which ones are worth pursuing.

Don’t constantly talk about your ex on a date

This one is hard, because so much of our lives was spent with our ex. So it’s hard to talk about ourselves without constantly including them. And it’s ok to do…to a certain extent. Anyone that’s a decent person who wants to really get to know you and your story will understand that. Our ex is part of our past….part of our story….the story that led us to where we are in this moment. It’s a story worth telling….to the right person.

Just don’t do it the entire date. It becomes awkward and uncomfortable for your date and starts to feel like you’re comparing the two. So seriously, limit the ex talk, especially in the beginning until things get more serious.

Don’t fall in love with the first person you meet

Especially if It’s soon after your split.  It might be a rebound. And it might feel like true love, especially if this person checks off a lot of the boxes that were left unchecked in your marriage.

But hey, let’s be honest - you CAN find real love right out the gate. I’m not saying it’s not possible. It totally is! All I’m saying is that it’s not always real and lasting, even if it feels like it in the beginning. Just proceed with caution. And use logic, not just those feel-good hormones.

Set clear boundaries with your children…..and your ex

Your personal life is nobody’s business but yours.  You can be honest with your children without telling them every detail of your life.  You are allowed to have a life.  You do not have to tell them everything you do.  And no, that’s not lying to or being dishonest with them.  And honestly, just because you are ready to move on, does NOT mean your kids are.  Hearing about your new dating life might be hard for them at first.  Discuss the boundaries.  “I will call you later but you don’t need to know where I am, who I’m with and what time I will be home” (kids tend to be very intrusive when it comes to their parents. They’re used to knowing where you are most of the time, so they feel they’re entitled to an explanation when you’re not with them).

As far as your ex goes, as much as you both might be glad the marriage is over, it’s still hard for both of you when you first start dating and have to think of another person in each other’s lives…and on an intimate level.  You don’t need to answer to your ex, as much as they might tell you they’re ok with hearing about it...or even demand that you tell them.  You don’t owe explanations.  You don’t owe answers.  But give your ex the SAME respect and space when he or she starts dating again! Just like your person life is nobody’s business, neither is theirs.

Enjoy the journey

Maybe this isn’t where you saw yourself back when you said your vows, but it’s where you ended up.  It’s not a bad thing. 

You aren’t a failure. 

Let go of the guilt…and the fear. 

Be open to meeting new people. 

Enjoy new experiences. 

Do things you maybe always wanted to but never did.  Enjoy it.  Nothing in life is permanent.  Or guaranteed.  Live each day to its fullest and open your mind and heart to new possibilities.

Want more help on
how to start dating after divorce?

Check out my eBook “Dating After Divorce” full of tips and tricks that helped me start this new chapter.