6 Tips To Start Online Dating

If you've recently ended a long-term marriage, you may be noticing that the world of dating is. . .different than you remember. The already daunting thought of "getting back out there" is only made more overwhelming by an unfamiliar dating landscape. For better or worse, technology has transformed the way people date. While meeting a partner online was once seen as a last resort for the unlucky in love, it is now so common that the stigma seems to have worn off entirely. 


Traditional ways of meeting people – through friends and family, at church, or around the neighborhood -- have all been in decline. Online dating is now the most popular way for couples in the US to connect. So, have you been thinking about joining dating apps but you’re not sure where to start? Lucky for you, I tried them (purely for research, of course) and learned a few things along the way! I talk all things dating after divorce in my eBook!


You Have Options

The first thing to remember, even before you start, is that you always have options. Sure, after a while you may see a lot of identical profiles from app to app, and you’ll inevitably run into your high school crush, or worse, gym teacher — especially in smaller communities. But I promise you ARE NOT going to die alone if you can't find your perfect match before midnight! So don't feel rushed to form an attachment; have fun and trust the process!


Maybe you’ve felt ill-matched by friends and family setting you up in the past. Maybe you habitually attract men with the same undesirable characteristics, or you feel limited by the number of people or quality of singles in the area. Dating apps let you cast a wide net, not just in terms of your search radius, but also in order to explore and expand "your type." You're in control of the process, and you NEVER have to settle for the first man you see holding a fish in his profile picture. Trust me, if you're looking for a man who can catch (or at least hold) a fish, there will be many, many more to choose from.

 

You Don't Need to Meet Everyone

You'll get matched, chat, and even exchange numbers with plenty of people. However, you are in control of where any of that goes or doesn't go. Seriously, you are under NO obligation to meet ANYONE in person! So don't force it; if you're not feeling a connection (or you're getting a weird vibe) move on. Don't let anyone pressure you into meeting or make you feel guilty for "wasting" their time. You make the rules here!


Prepare to be Ghosted

You will find that, just like you, most people you meet online are talking to multiple matches at once. Unfortunately, that does mean that "ghosting" -- ending communication without explanation or warning -- happens a lot. And it might just happen to you. When it does, it can be easy to overanalyze everything, like, "Where did I go wrong? Am I not good enough? Did I use too many emojis? I thought he liked me!" 



Trust me, you will make yourself CRAZY trying to figure out what you "should" have done differently. First, let's make one thing clear:  you are ENOUGH. A person may ghost you for any number of reasons. Maybe they connected with someone else or dropped their phone in the toilet or had a family emergency. Whatever the reason, if they ghost you, try not to take it personally. Don't let yourself spiral into negative thinking; you are not the problem. If they ghost you, they're not right for you! Or their phone is still in rice. 

 

Manage Your Expectations

Just because someone’s online profile is perfectly polished and they seem to check all the boxes does NOT mean that’s the person you’ll get in real life. Dating profiles, just like social media personas, are first and foremost a reflection of how a person WANTS to be perceived. It’s important to prepare yourself for a variety of outcomes (as opposed to, you know, planning your wedding before you even meet someone).


You might connect with someone who seems like a total catch. Your initial conversations are great, you exchange numbers, you’re totally hitting it off -- you think you’ve found your match. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but sometimes actually meeting them is a massive disappointment. What all seemed so great on paper….or, errr, your phone/computer…doesn't translate to real life. There just isn't a spark. 

There really is no substitute for meeting someone in person. Energy and vibes are EVERYTHING. And unfortunately, you aren’t going to know for sure if you vibe with someone unless you spend time with them in person. Energy doesn’t lie. Your gut doesn’t lie. You either feel a connection and attraction to someone or you don’t. So cut your losses, and get back out there!

 

Be Vigilant

Catfishing is a real thing. And when I say real, I mean REAL. Using a fake or outdated picture is probably the most common form, but there really are people faking an entire identity. Though certainly not the majority of users — most "bad guys" out themselves with their pickup lines and unsolicited photos — there are definitely people who join dating apps in order to scam for money or worse. There are true predators who are trying to lure victims into unsafe situations. Be aware, research and confirm identities, and ALWAYS tell a friend when and where (in public!) you are meeting someone. If things seem a little catfishy, stay home!   

 

Be Yourself

The last item on the list might be the most important. These platforms run on first impressions; you’re on sites where you are literally judging people based on looks. There’s no way around that with online dating, so make your first impression count. Whether you're looking for casual fun or an honest connection, show that in your profile! Put out the energy you're trying to attract. 



You may feel pressured to "compete" with all the other profiles out there, and honestly, it can be helpful to stand out from the crowd. Just make sure that your reasons for standing out are rooted in who you are and what you're looking for in a match. As shallow as it can all seem at times, there really are people out there looking for someone genuine. So be yourself, and trust that people will be attracted to, and interested in getting to know, the REAL you.   



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Alecia Dragon