Greed and Entitlement…Is There A Line You Shouldn’t Cross?
I have a lot of people say to me “you and your ex have such a good relationship, how do you do it?” The answer is simple. We respect each other and we don’t act selfishly.
I imagine that if, during our divorce, I had set out to take every dime possible from him and make sure he could barely make it on his own after that, we would have a significantly different type of post-marriage relationship.
Let me break this down because I’ve caught some crap for it before from women telling me there is nothing wrong with taking what is OWED to them from their ex and that they are ENTITLED to half of everything. So yes. Ok. The court system, especially in my state, says this. As the spouse, you are entitled to half of everything. But does that really mean you should take it??
My ex has been working his ass off on a roof since he was 18 years old. In the freezing cold, in extreme heat, and in some of the craziest hours of the day just to get the job completed. And he started doing it long before I came around. To even think to take half of retirement he has been paying into for so many years was unfathomable to me. I just simply would never do that. I didn’t work for that money. He did! Why should I take half of it, just because I was married to him 9 of the 20 years he’s been building it up? Nope!
I’m part owner of a corporation that owns multiple restaurants. I worked those long weeks, late nights and entire weekends. Not him. So he didn’t even consider trying to take half of my share. We simply agreed, without argument, that what we both worked for our entire adult lives was ours to keep. I should add that we also don’t pay or receive child or spousal support from one another. We agreed to provide for the kids ourselves when they’re with us and share any other expenses such as Christmas and birthday gifts, school and activity costs. And we do this simply by telling each other what the costs are and sending over some cash. While this works great for us, I understand it can’t work for everyone. I am fortunate to make a good living so I don’t need to rely on any support. And same with my ex. And I have no problem with child support, as many single parents do need the help when it comes to providing for the kids (as long as they are using it to actually provide for the kids and not themselves. And yea, that happens a lot). My point is, don’t take from the other parent simply because you can.
Houses, joint bank accounts, and things we bought and contributed to together were a different story. We agreed to sell our family home and divvy the net profits. We kept our individual bank accounts for ourselves and split the joint account. We also agreed that our own student loan debt was our own responsibility and not each other’s burden to bear.
Bottom line, we did things FAIR. And with respect. And because of that, we avoided any resentment, bitterness and anger stemming from money.
I see this scenario play out so differently so often. Husband and wife decide to divorce. Wife (usually, but often can be the other way around) immediately seeks the best divorce lawyer around that will fight hard to yield her as much of husband’s money as possible. Everything he’s worked for gets split directly down the middle and just handed to wife. ON TOP of monthly spousal support and child support. Am I the only one that sees an issue with this? I find it so unfair and downright sad.
Maybe it’s because I made sure to never NEED or depend on a man to survive. Maybe it’s because I never wanted to be in a position where, if a relationship ended, I would be left out on the streets with nothing. I made a career and a living for myself so that the only person I would ever need to depend on was ME. I imagine that’s why I feel so differently than a lot of other women – women who never started a career; women who went off to college with the sole goal of meeting their future husband; women whose dream was to be a stay-at-home mom and raise lots of babies while the husband brings home the bread.
And there’s nothing wrong with any of those things…..
….until the day comes where life takes an unexpected turn….and suddenly your perfect, comfortable life isn’t so perfect anymore. Suddenly you don’t have anyone taking care of you. And this sort of thing happens alllllll the time.
So then comes the lawyer, the fights, the back n forth. And in almost all cases, the woman ends up with her half…of everything.
But what happens when that greed is relentless? When the wife just keeps taking and taking and taking? When she expects her ex-husband to still take care of her, still give her half of everything he owns/buys, still make sure she is living a comfortable life while he has to work even harder than ever to also try and live comfortably? I’ll tell you what happens. Anger and resentment happens.
And this is where good co-parenting is usually halted. It’s not fair to let this affect the kids, no. Not at all. But to me, successful and “good” co-parenting is talking to each other about what went on with the kids, working together on schedules if something comes up, sitting together at sports games and cheering loudly together, celebrating together for kids’ birthdays, sharing consistent rules and disciplinary actions at each house….parenting TOGETHER while not being together. That is how I define good co-parenting.
Do you have any idea how hard that is to do when it’s all blurred by fights over money? Do you know how hard it is for the ex husband to sit next to his ex wife at a baseball game after she just wiped him clean and took him for everything he has? When it’s all so one-sided and greedy, it makes it really difficult to have an amicable relationship.
So here’s some solid advice for anyone that wants to know “how do you guys get along so well now?”
Figure out how to stand on your own two feet. Because guess what? Maybe you didn’t think you’d ever have to. But here you are. And now you have to.
Respect what’s really yours and what’s not. I don’t care what the courts say. If you didn’t lift a damn finger to earn that money, it’s not yours. Period.
Understand that once the divorce is final, you are owed NOTHING. Nada. Zero. If he wants to buy xxxx for himself and the kids, that’s his prerogative. You get no share in that. If you can’t make ends meet with what you were awarded in the divorce, that’s not his problem. You need to figure out a way to make it work for yourself and your kids. WITHOUT asking for more money from your ex.
Be fair. Have some compassion. And for the love of God, stop acting entitled. Just stop. Guess where kids learn that? From you. Entitlement runs so rampant in society nowadays. If you want something, work for it. Earn it. Quit demanding. Quit throwing tantrums to get your way. Nobody….and I repeat, NOBODY….wants to work together with someone who acts like that.
If your hand is stretched out, make sure it’s to walk the road of parenting together….not to take whatever you think is yours.