Using Your Children To Hurt Your Ex
They say that money is the root of all evil. And I wholeheartedly believe that to be true. But sometimes that evil goes beyond money, and greed and selfishness rear their ugly heads in other ways. So let’s talk about that and its affects on co-parenting.
When divorces happen, there are usually feelings of anger, hurt, resentment, etc. I think, often times, a hurt spouse’s way to get revenge is to take as much from his/her ex as possible. And the next best thing to take, after money, is control of the children. I’ve actually heard of angry women saying they are going to take their kids from their father and he will never be able to see them…simply because they are angry at him or no longer like him. Do I even need to say how damaging and dangerous this is? Children are often thrown into the middle of a nasty divorce war and used as pawns in attempts to gain control. Want to know who loses in the end? The one trying to have the control. Parents who think like this and try to have control over how often they have their kids and how often they are with the other parent tend to also be the ones brainwashing and manipulating the kids. They’re taught to love only that parent and hate the other one. I saw this first hand – I watched it unfold and play out for three years – in my last serious relationship. And it worked…for awhile. Those kids hated their dad. And hated me just for being in his life. They were told awful, hateful, hurtful things so that their loyalty would be with their mom and not dad. She told them details of the divorce. She told them her skewed, and often false, version of what caused the divorce. She made them think their dad didn’t want them or want to give their mom any money to take care of them. She was pretty evil.
Kids are too young and their brains not even close to fully developed enough to process ANY of that. They didn’t know how to reason or think critically to figure out on their own if those things were true or untrue, right or wrong. They just went along, so as to please their mother. It was sad. And maddening. And unbelievably frustrating to watch as a bystander. Eventually the older daughter started becoming more aware of what was happening. She started seeing right through her mom’s attempts at control. And she started piecing things together and calling her out on her behaviors. And eventually, when the mom realized her manipulation attempts no longer worked, she eased up. A bit. And what happened? Those kids started siding with their dad…and getting angry at their mom for trying to turn them on him.
Trying to keep your children from the other parent is a form of greed. And an extremely selfish behavior. Children have two parents, not one. And if the other parent WANTS to be in the kids’ lives, who are you to stop them?
Parents, if you keep this behavior up, your children WILL resent you one day. Maybe not for years….maybe not until they’re adults. But they will. And the only relationship you’ll have ruined is the one you have with your children.