Let’s Talk Religion and Divorce
Did you have a big, beautiful traditional wedding in a gorgeous church, thinking “I am doing this the right way – before God – and this will be the only marriage I will ever have because divorce is against my religion? I bet so many of you did. While I didn’t get married in a church (which caused quite a stir within my big, Italian, Catholic family), my ex-husband and I did say to each other that neither of us believed in divorce and we would stick it out no matter what...you know…for better or for worse.
There are only two things I really know for sure.
Nothing is permanent
No one knows what the future holds
So, what happens when you decide you can no longer stick it out in your marriage and you (and/or your spouse) want out? “But divorce is against my religion”. “I can’t get a divorce and stay at my church”. I briefly dated a guy from a really small town and very Christian community who went to this small, super tight-knit church every Sunday throughout his childhood, his adult life and his marriage. Then he got a divorce. And never stepped foot in that church again. Why? Because he was ashamed, embarrassed, and worried he was being judged. (Some of the most judgmental people I know claim to be the most “religious”)
Let me tell you something: GOD LOVES YOU NO MATTER WHAT. Read that again. People are judging you. God is not. The problem I have with most religious organizations is the indoctrination that’s forced upon its members. It’s often more about someone’s made up rules and focusing on exclusion more than inclusion and acceptance. I, too, was afraid to walk into my church after my ex and I split. Because I, too, was afraid of being judged. Not by God...but by the people sitting next to me in the pews. But you know what? I still went…occasionally. And often it was with my ex-husband! Can you imagine the looks and we were getting? Did we care? No. Neither of us love the Catholic religion and what it preaches. But we agreed to raise our kids to believe in God, and if that meant attending Mass on holidays and other random Sundays, that’s what we would do.
*Note: I don’t believe you have to attend Church every week to have a relationship with God. I pray every day – it’s not limited to Sundays among a crowd of people. Some of the worst people I know who live immoral and deceitful lives dress up and go to church every single Sunday, claiming to be holier than thou. Bleh.
I went to a Catholic women’s weekend-long retreat shortly after separating from my husband because my uber religious Aunt talked me into it. Between all the Kumbaya’s and Our Father’s, we had to go to confession. As I sat there and talked to the Priest about my marriage and where I was in life, he told me that since we weren’t married in the Catholic church, our marriage didn’t count. So, he said that the entire time we were living together while being illegitimately married, we were actually living in sin. And then proceeded to instruct me to say ten Hail Marys and I’d be forgiven. I walked out of that room thinking “this is complete, made-up bullcrap”. Fast forward a couple years. My kids were making their First Reconciliation and the parents were encouraged to go to confession too. There was a priest visiting from a neighboring church, so I decided I’d go to him. And he spoke to me…finally...like God was speaking through him. We had a real, honest conversation in that confessional. I put it all out there. He listened. I cried. He consoled. And I’ll never forget the words he said to me. He said “God will NEVER reject you from His house. He will never make you feel like you don’t belong. You are all his children. And no one is without sin”. He then went on to say that there are so many alternative ways of living life now. And divorce is becoming more common. But that doesn’t mean that anyone living a life different than their neighbor should stay away from the church because they don’t feel they belong. He said “come to Mass. Bring you children. Come with your ex-husband. Be in God’s presence and enjoy it. And never, ever feel like you aren’t welcome...because you always are and always will be”. And from that moment on, I felt more at ease when I stepped into that church. And I learned to ignore any stares or glares or judging eyes that might be upon me.
If everyone were living their lives strictly by the Bible, I imagine that church would be considerably empty.
God loves you. Pray. Talk to Him. If you don’t feel comfortable going to church right away, don’t. And here’s some advice: if your priest/pastor won’t welcome you back, find a new church…one that is led by the notion that God does love all. And He forgives all. And EVERYONE is His child, not just those who dress up and worship on Sundays and pretend to be perfect. Please don’t let fear of excommunication keep you in an unhappy marriage.