Tips For Getting Through The Holidays After Divorce
The holidays. That special time of year filled with joy, spirit, excitement, family, friends, love and togetherness. Or at least it used to be, right? Are those days gone now that you’re divorced? It might feel like they are.
The holidays are hard after a separation. I won’t sugar coat it or pretend they’re not, even in the best of situations. They can be sad, depressing, and make you question whether all this was worth going through.
But…I promise you they don’t have to be miserable. It does get a little easier, as each year passes. I say “a little” because while you get more accustomed and used to the dynamic, there will always be some degree of difficulty spending certain holidays or portions of holidays alone, or without your kids. This is the one time of year that’s always had me questioning if what we did was worth it and if we could have tried harder to work it out so that we could spend our holidays together as a family and with each other’s families. And then the holiday would pass and I would pick myself back up and remember that this was best for us. That it was just one day.
But those days are still hard.
I grew up in a home where splitting up the holidays between two parents was something I didn’t even know existed. Our holidays were happy…full of love and magic, really. When I became a mom, I wanted to give my kids the same experiences. And I did.
Then I got a divorce. Those experiences didn’t end, but they definitely changed a bit. What once was a Christmas day spent in our pajamas, without a care in the world, eventually making our rounds at the grandparents’ houses as a family, turned into cutting my kids’ time short from playing with all their new stuff to get them dressed and off to their dad’s so he could take them to his family’s on his own….and vice versa. Every other year I’d end the day without my kids…and with lots of tears.
Everything I was shown and that I experienced growing up, I felt like I had just robbed my children of in that one decision called divorce.
Or so it felt like it at first. Until I realized it didn’t have to be all bad. I didn’t rob them of the joy that holidays bring. I simply shifted the dynamic to a new way of doing things, with new traditions and a new way to make memories. My kids still wake up on Christmas full of joy…and with us both there.
My ex and I do parts of holidays together, especially Christmas morning - opening presents, breakfast and even some Christmas morning cocktails - and our kids really love this. While we still have to see our kids off and are left without them for parts of the day, we do our best to work together and do things in a way that’s the fairest to each other and allows for us BOTH to spend time with our kids on these special days. And those years that my kids end their holiday at their dad’s? They’re still hard. But we both get it. We both know it’s hard for the other parent. And we make sure we each get plenty of time with our kids, which is why we spend a good portion of those days together, so neither of us has to miss out on too much.
**I say it often - I am blessed. And lucky to have this type of co-parenting relationship. I know not everyone can**
When they do leave, I find things to do. I spend my time with the other loves of my life. I shift my focus away from what USED to be and remind myself that life is ever-changing. Nothing is permanent. I remind myself what a great day we had….what a great couple of days we had…what a great holiday season we had, and all the fun things we did. And I realize I can get through those last few hours. I remind myself that my kids aren’t far away. And that they’ll be back tomorrow…right back to the presents they left under the tree and right back to this home of ours.
So how do you navigate the holidays? If you’re newly separated or divorced, here are some tips to get through the holidays with as much ease as possible….and hopefully even a little joy and bit of cheer:
1. Start new traditions
Holidays WILL be different now….that’s a given. You have to be willing to accept that truth and be open to a new way of doing things. If you can’t spend the entire holiday with your kids, figure out how to make the most of the time you DO have.
Celebrate on a different day. Or celebrate with relatives on a different day so that you can spend as much time with your kids on the holiday as possible.
Volunteer with your kids to help those less fortunate. I often remind my children that when things feel hard, to remember how blessed they are…how lucky they are to have two parents who love them more than anything, even if we aren’t together, because there are many children who have no parents, or parents who lack the ability to love and care for their them properly…how lucky they are to have huge families (and friends that are family) on both sides who love them almost as much as we do….how lucky they are to have the life and luxuries that they have, because there are children all over the world, and even in their classrooms, who would give anything for the life that they have, and the things that they have. I remind my kids that things could be worse…to always count their blessings….and to always try to help those who need it through generosity, kindness and compassion.
Ask your kids what ideas they have for starting new traditions. They’ll love being a part of something new and love even more that they helped start it!
2. Find the positives in doing things a new and different way
Let’s be honest, did you really like going to your in-laws? Or your ex brother-in-law’s house? Now you don’t have to! Winning! And the holidays can be so hectic and go go go. Now maybe you’ll get some down-time. You can relax…breathe. Maybe all the things you did on the holidays were to please your ex and/or your families. Now you’re finally able to decide how YOU want to spend the holidays. You don’t owe anyone anything. You are allowed to say no…decline the invite….make your own rules and traditions. And you don’t have to feel guilty about any of it.
Embrace change. Embrace new traditions. Letting go of old ideas and ways of doing things is vital when you get divorced, for both you and your children. Make the most of these special days by making them YOURS, not anyone else’s.
3. If you follow an “every other year” schedule, do something fun and different if it’s your year without your kids
Many court-ordered shared parenting agreements have an ‘every other year’ holiday schedule. If this is the case for you, make the most of it. Think of something you maybe always wanted to do on a holiday but couldn’t because you had too many places to go and people to visit. Do that. Get out of town! Sometimes a little vacay or mini trip is just what’s needed to clear your mind. Do something fun. Start a new tradition for yourself. As mentioned above, you don’t have to abide by anyone’s rules or expectations. Do something that will make you happy and bring you joy.
4. Stay busy
Trust me on this one. And this doesn’t just go for holidays. In the beginning especially, when you are alone, find things to do. Sitting at home, alone with your thoughts, will do you no good. You will be lonely, emotional, be overcome with guilt, and your mind will start wandering. Do something. Anything. Just. Stay. Busy.
5. Remember that it’s just a day
The holiday will end and tomorrow will be another ordinary day.
6. Remind yourself that YOU ARE STRONG
YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS DAY…AND ALL DAYS.
You’ve got this.