Letting Go of Control When Co-Parenting

I like being in control, let’s be honest.  I think most of us do.  And we, as moms, often feel the need to control everything in our kids’ lives and are the ones taking care of everything.  And we’re taught from a young age that “mother knows best”.  And while I do believe that to be true in some respects (I think we have a bond with our children that no one else shares, and that we know when something is wrong or off with our kids before anyone else does) I don’t think ONLY mother knows best.  

So how do we learn to give up some of that control when we co-parent?  And why should we?

I delve into this topic in more detail in my eBook.

I’ll say it right now – letting go of the need to control everything is the single most important lesson in co-parenting. 

I often see one parent, usually the mom – whether they’re in a relationship or marriage with the other parent or split from the other parent – trying to control every single aspect of their kids’ lives.  They believe only they know what’s best for the kids, that they are only safe and happy when under their watch and they treat the other parent as incapable of properly caring for the kids.  What I don’t understand is why. 

Didn’t we CHOOSE to have children with this person?  And when making that choice, shouldn’t we have done it with trust and faith that they, too, would be capable of being a good parent?

**Let me break from my point to clarify something, though.  I understand that sometimes one parent is NOT a good parent...not capable of loving, caring for or keeping their children safe.  And that often, parents like this still do have shared custody of the kids.  And I understand that in those instances, maintaining some bit of control of the kids is imperative.  This article is not directed at those parents.  When it comes to situations like that, I urge parents to NEVER give up control and to always do whatever is needed to make sure you children are safe, cared for and loved**

This message is intended for families with two capable, loving parents.  Why are we diminishing the abilities of our children’s other parent?  At what point did we stop trusting in them?  Did we ever trust in them? Or was having children with that person just convenient and/or sounded good?

Admittedly, I’ve struggled a bit with this too throughout my divorce and post-divorce.  I do like having control…especially of my kids.  I often had to, and sometimes still have to, remind myself that it’s not my way or no way.  There is more than one right way to do things.  There is more than one perspective on things…and my children love their dad and love being with him just as much as they love me and love being with me. 

Is it hard to let go sometimes?  You’re damn right it is.  But I cannot tell you how much better it makes life for EVERYONE.  

Imagine being so anxious and stressed all the time when your kids aren’t with you, wondering what they are doing, if they are ok and how your ex is parenting them.  You for sure are going to turn into a basket case.  Imagine how your kids must feel if they see and hear you constantly correcting, nagging, ordering around and criticizing their other parent.  

Instead, imagine this – being at peace with your situation. 

Believing that everyone is where they belong. 

Trusting that your ex wants the best for your kids as much as you do and IS capable of caring for, loving, and keeping them safe.  I talk a lot about self-care and why it’s so important.  This is part of self-care. 

Imagine instead of anxiety and worry, feeling relaxed.  Time for yourself is so important on this journey.  Use the time when your kids are with the other parent to care for YOU.  They say you can’t pour from an empty cup.  So take this time to fill yours up.

Letting go of the need to control everything doesn’t just pertain to co-parenting.  We need to learn to let go a little in all areas of life.  We cannot control everything, no matter how bad we want to or how much we think we can.  The universe has way more control of our lives than we ever will.  Honestly, we have none.  Everything that happens in our lives is part pf a plan and has already been decided.  We just need to learn to trust that, stay present and know that everyone is exactly where they’re supposed to be.  

Let go.  I promise you things will be okay. 

Want more help learning
how to co-parent with your ex?

 Check out my eBook “Your Guide to Co-Parenting With Your Ex”